Since the birth of our daughter, its big brothers are the first to notify me whensomething is wrong. When she completed her layer, that she cries that she yells,they instantly see me. "Somebody needs you", they say me every time. I do notknow how this little phrase is found in their mouth, but it is in these terms that they have used to tell me to come take care of my little girl.
Initially, this sentence excited me at the highest point. I could take a good wellrelaxing shower, but... "MOM, someone needs you. The baby is crying. "I could I sit on the couch to blow just a minute, well aware that the baby is trying to wake up from her NAP... ' MOM, someone needs you! All right! It's good, I'm coming,give me just a minute...
The worst part is that my baby needs are nothing compared to the needs of twolittle boys. Someone needs always a cereal bar, with a dressing of socks, ice cubesin his glass of a new toy, a hug, a story of a kiss. It never finished, and thisroutine, the fact that it has permanently "need me" is really exhausting in thelong run. And then one day, suddenly it hit me: they need me. Anyone otherthan me. Anyone else in the world. They need their MOM.
When I started to accept the fact that being a MOM means I have to be availableat any time, I started to find some inner peace, even in this extremely turbulentperiod (and a little crazy, also) of my life. MOM is my duty, my privilege and myhonor. I signed a contract without knowing, to be there at every time someoneneeds me, at any time of the day or night. MOM, do you mean that I have to askthe baby after him have nourished in the middle of the night, because a 3-year-old boy comes to a nightmare. MOM, do you mean that I survive by feeding meremains of baby food and coffee. MOM, do you mean that I am without my wellchildren's needs before mine, ask me questions. MOM, do you mean that I havethe body aches and heart full of love.
I know that a day will come when no one will need me. I know that a day will come when my babies will be gone for long, busy in their respective lives. MaybeI would be sitting alone in a retirement home in the walls whitewashed, and thatI'd look my body fading little by little. Then, no one will need me. Maybe eventhat I'd become a burden. Of course, they will come to visit me, but my arms are no longer their shelter. My kisses will no longer be their comfort. There will bemore mud to be removed from their small boots, more belts to fasten. I nolonger story to tell them before sleep. No more bags to be filled with snacks. I amsure that then, my heart aging will be recalled with nostalgia for these little voicessaying ' MOM, someone needs you!
So for now, I find beauty in this moment, when I give him the bottle at 4 o'clockin the morning in her small cosy room. Outside the snow is falling without anoise, and a Hare made his mark on this perfect, smooth and white canvas. Therewas only me and my little baby, outside everything is dark and frozen. We are theonly witnesses to the rising of the Moon, pale, which is dancing shadows in theroom. She and I are the only to hear the OWL who hoots away in poplar. Weembed in the covers, and I the rocks so that it rendorme. It is 4 hours and I'mexhausted and frustrated, but all goes well, she needs me. Nothing about me.
And maybe I need it, too. Because she made me a mother. One day, she will sleepalone overnight. One day, I'd be sitting on a wheelchair, empty arms, and I dreamthose calm nights, the OWL who hoots and the small pink room. When sheneeded me, and we were the only people in the world.
Being a MOM, it's probably the business the hardest that I have never exercised.In another life, I was head of service in a restaurant. A Saturday evening service at7:30, with the kitchen sink overflowing with dishes, 2 hours of waiting in theroom and a power outage unexplained is not even comparable to a Tuesdayafternoon with the kids in my house. And I can assure you that the clients I hadwere very difficult to meet such... But it's the cake, if you compare that to hungrykids who did not enough sleep.
Once upon a time... I had the time. For myself. Now, my toes need love. My braholds up a little differently. My straightening iron works maybe even more, I haveno idea. I can't take a quiet shower, or have no privacy. I started using the creamfor wrinkles. Asked do over my ID card at the entrance to the bars. I am MOMand someone needs me. Even now, someone has maybe needs me.
Also, last night someone needed me...
At 3 o'clock in the morning, I heard the noise of small not entering my room. Istayed lying motionless, holding my breath. Maybe he'll give up and go back tohis room. Yes, this is it.
'Mama.'
'Mama.' A little stronger.
'Yes '. I barely whispered.
Her little voice paused, her huge eyes shining in the darkness.
"I love you."
And just like that, he's gone. He returned to his room, on the tip of the toes. Buthis words are remained hanging in the cool of the evening. If I could reach outand catch them, I would have taken his words and I would have tight fort againstmy chest. Her little soft voice whispering the most beautiful sentence of theworld. "MOM, I love you." A smile wraps on my lips and I gently expires, I almostfear blowing to leave the memory of these words which are still floating in the air.I me whole, and I leave these words to settle at the bottom of my heart.
One day this boy will be a tall and strong man. There will be more small sweetwords whispered in the hollow of the night. Just the roar of the refrigerator, andthe snoring of my husband. I will sleep in peace, without fear to be woken up,without being afraid that my baby is sick or well that a child starts to cry. All ofthis will be more than a memory. These years or someone needs me, they areexhausting, but they go at breakneck speed.
This is why I stopped dreaming about that ' one day, things will be easier.Because the truth is that it will be easier, but it is never as well, also beautifultoday ' hui. Today, I am covered in snot and baby drool. Today, small chubbyarms huddle against my neck by tickling me a bit. Today is a miracle. 'One day', Icould take only showers and do pedicures. 'One day', I would have all the freetime I want. But today, I give myself, and I'm exhausted and dirty, and I am soloved, and I have to leave you. Someone needs me.
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